When Shilpa published her latest blog post about unsolicited advice, as her friend and honorary Auntie to the family, it gave me pause. I reflected on each conversation we have had since she first told me about her pregnancy. I have three kids so I’m sure at some point I gave her my advice. 

But, I also remember being on the receiving end of the advice that no one asked for. It was draining! So, this blog post is written to all the auntie, uncles, grandparents, and friends. We want to give advice from a place of caring, but often we give advice from a place of our fears.

I am going to admit the worst advice faux pas only to give a real life example:

I once had a friend who was complaining about how exhausted she was trying to get her baby to sleep at night. This was her second child and I just had my first. She shared that she was considering sleep training her baby. My current personal opinion on the matter has changed since then, but at the time I was adamantly against cry-it-out (CIO). I had read so many articles about the long-term impacts of CIO that I felt like I had an obligation to tell her how wrong CIO would be for her baby. I passed my own fears onto her when she never even asked my opinion about it.

Here’s how it should have played out:

Friend: I’ve been so exhausted with my second baby. I just can’t get him to sleep at night. I’m at my wits end! I’m considering sleep training. 

Me: [pause as I sift through my own concerns] Oh, that sounds so rough! Getting these kids to bed at night has been really hard. But you are doing a good job! You know what’s best for you and your baby. What can I do to help you? I’m here, even if you just need someone to vent to!

See what I did in that scenario? Here are the steps:

1. I paused to filter out my own fears that may or may not be actual reality. Her reality was much different than mine.
2. I gave an affirmation that she/they are knowledgeable about their situation and that they are doing a good job.
3. I offered up help. You can offer as much help as is comfortable. Offering to take care of the baby and house while the mom takes a nap. Offering to take a nighttime shift with the baby. Offering to pay for a nighttime nanny. We all have our comfort-level of what we are capable of doing.

But, did you also notice what I didn’t do? I didn’t pass judgement. I didn’t overload the mom on “facts” that I found on the internet. I didn’t offer up solutions or recommendations without her asking for them. Oftentimes we want to help! We approach the situation with our hearts, but not always honoring how new parents are experiencing this special time of their lives. 

And to the friend that I shamed for wanting to try sleep training methods, I am so sorry. You always knew what was best for you and your family. It was never my place to project my own fears onto you. 

May we all learn better and do better.